Build Your Conversation Skills & Build Your Relationships…

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Written by Jimmie Burroughs Email this article to a friend

Conversation is what builds relationships and it is one of the most enjoyable things we do. Spending time with people with whom we have things in common and enjoy interacting with is a driving force behind all social activities. It is the glue that forms a tight bond between friends.

Conversation is the avenue by which we get to know another person and maintain a lasting relationship with them. It is the means of getting to know their feelings and philosophy about life. Without conversation relationships fade. This often happens in marriage when two people spend most of their time apart and rarely take the opportunity to talk. Over time they drift apart and one day discover that they no longer have anything in common. Divorces are most common when the children graduate and go off to college. It then becomes apparent that there is no relationship and no bond remaining.

Friendships also fade if there is no time to visit and continue to bond through conversation. Life is ever changing; interests evolve and change and conversation keeps friends in tune with one another and continues to develop the relationship over time.

Business depends on conversation. Serving existing clients and getting new clients and building Credibility is done through conversation. People want to conduct their business with people they know and trust. Building relationships is the key to building a long term business. I need to insert here that it is not using people to build your business; it is learning how to best serve them and best meet their needs.

It is the private times that we spend with individuals that best enables us to know them well.  This gives the opportunity to better understand another person’s personality and get a better understanding of how they feel about a diversity of issues.

One of the best books that I could recommend to anyone about conversation is “How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie. Most people have the wrong ideas on what makes good conversationalists. As Mr. Carnegie points out in his book, it is not how much we know or how eloquent or articulate we are, but it is how well we are able to listen.

A good conversation centers on how well you can ask questions as well as how well you listen to the answers. The key is to learn to be completely there for the person you are talking with. There is nothing quite as annoying as to be talking to someone in a crowded room who is looking around at everyone else while you are trying to talk with them or who seem to be off in another world. We develop a reputation of being an enjoyable person to talk with by our ability to listen intently.

Another thing Mr. Carnegie points out in his book is to design your conversation around the other person’s interest. This is how you really get to know another person and make them love to talk with you. Constantly talking about yourself and your interests will turn the other person off quickly. Of course you can and should inject your own beliefs as the conversations moves forward but it should be to the point and never dominate the conversation.

Asking questions that are open-ended is very important to moving a conversation forward. Avoid questions that can be answered with yes or no. Ask questions that give the other person an opportunity to express themselves and avoid the temptation to finish sentences for a person; wait for them to finish their own sentences. Open ended questions draw the other person out, expanding upon what they have to say on a particular subject.

Resist the temptation when the conversation drifts to something for which you are well informed, perhaps even far more than the other person, to begin to dominate the conversation. This can result in offending the other person or making them seem inferior to you. The best conversationalist is genuinely interested in what the other person has to say. They come across as being content to listen and not just waiting for the first opportunity to inject their own opinion. They contribute to the conversation but theirs is short and to the point.

I visited with a well known pastor in his study, just the two of us. He pastored a very large church and was well educated and had a worldwide television ministry. But in our visit he was not the well known prolific speaker; he was instead a humble down to earth person who gave his full, undivided attention to what I had to say. I was young at the time and as I look back on it, I cannot believe how foolish my conversation was but you would never have know it by this gentle man who made me feel important and what I had to say worth hearing.

I’m sure there have been times that you have been in group conversation where one individual wanted to dominate the whole conversation. A good leader of a group will try to avoid this by passing the ball, so to speak, to different ones in the group. There is an ebb and flow to a good conversation that smoothly flows back and forth with no one person being in full control.

Guard yourself and be careful not to speak too long at a time; if you feel that you are, stop and ask a question to get the other person back involved in the conversation. The skill of listening is the most important of all for successful conversation and if you can develop it, you will be far ahead of many people because many are poor listeners. Everyone enjoys talking but to be a good listener requires practice and restraint.

There are four universal rules for becoming a good listener that have been proven to be very effective. They will work whether it is with your spouse, your friend, a stranger, your boss or a business client. They will have a dramatic influence on people with whom you speak.

• Listen attentively
• Pause before replying
• Question for clarification
• Paraphrase the speakers words

Listen Attentively:

I once had a friend who died in a traffic accident several years ago; he was a good person but not a good conversationalist. You could see the wheels turning as you talked as he prepared to talk at the soonest possible moment. Having a conversation with him was painful because you felt that what you said was not a part of the conversation. It was obvious that he was not paying attention. My wife had a friend when we were young that I never cared to be around because when she was there it was only one conversation and that was hers; she talked a solid stream and no one else could say a word.

When we give our undivided attention, it conveys to the other person that what they have to say is valuable and worth hearing. Nothing complements your conversation partner more and warms them to you more.

The biggest reason that people are poor conversationalists is they, like my friend above, are busy deciding what to say next. They, like my friend, aren’t really listening well at all to what the other person is saying.

Show by your body movements that you are listening intently. You are facing the person and looking into their eyes and you are leaning slightly forward but also are keeping the 3 foot rule and not invading their privacy zone (By the way, have you ever tried to talk to a person who wants to be close enough to kiss you when they talk and you keep moving away as they keep moving closer?). Also smile and nod in agreement from time to time but don’t seem like a bobble head for that can be distractive also.

By being totally there for the other person, you give the feeling that the other person is the only one in the world for that given moment. Those who are skilled conversationalist can do this even in a crowd.

Pause before replying:

A pause for a brief few seconds does three things: It gives time to see if the other Peron is finished or just getting their breath and therefore keeps you from interrupting before they finish their thought. It also gives the opportunity for what they said to clarify in your brain and thirdly, you impress the other person that you are giving due consideration to what they said and you are carefully preparing your reply.

Question for clarification:

If you are not quite sure what the other person means, never hesitate to ask them for clarification. They will be glad to do so and it reinforces that you are interested and want to fully understand what they are saying.

Paraphrase the speaker’s words:

After the other person clarifies what they mean fully, follow up by repeating the essence of what they said in your own words by saying, oh I think I understand and then put it in your words back to them.

Nothing conveys your interest more than your desire to understand what someone is saying.  This kind of conversation makes people want to be with you and they will extremely enjoy your company thinking that you are the best conservationist in the world when it was actually them that did most of the talking.

The point is to enjoy the conversation and enjoy making someone feel good about themselves. You are the one controlling the entire conversation but no one suspects it at all.

Conclusion:

A good conversationalist is a person who cares for others and is keenly interested in what is going on in their life. He goes the extra mile to treat the other person as he would want to be treated. He displays no ego or desire to show the other person how smart he is and informed on every subject. No one likes a know it all who doesn’t need to hear anything that another person has to say.

Practice the rules of good conversation and you will develop more self esteem, more and stronger relationships and be trusted and admired by the people you talk with.

Build your conversation skills & build your relationships. That is  tried and proven and it can change your whole social standing and make you a person sought after and admired by others and more importantly it is a giant step forward in your quest for personal development.

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“With patience and ease, in an unselfish and purposeful way, over a time period undetermined, and for a good that includes others, I intend for $1,000,000 to come to me and to others who join me in holding to this objective.” Jimmie Burroughs




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Jimmie Burroughs is the author of JimmieBurroughs.com ; get more tips on personal development: www.JimmieBurroughs.com

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