7 Small Issues That Can Kill a Marriage

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Written by Jimmie Burroughs Email this article to a friend

It isn’t usually the major issues that kill a marriage but an accumulation of small unresolved issues. Getting a grasp on how to handle conflict arising out of everyday disagreements can save a lot of pain and also save a marriage.

It is a mistake to think your marriage is over because of disagreements. Two people have different ways of thinking, different desires and different ways of doing things. Therefore it is necessary early in any marital relationship to discuss how you are going to deal with your differences. Below are 7 small issues that can kill a marriage if not dealt with and resolved early in the marriage:

1.      Repeating the same conflicts over and over

2.      Unwilling to quit doing those things that annoy your mate

3.     Not having an agreement on how the money will be spent

4.      Not willing to make compromises

5.      Must always have your way

6.      Unwilling to talk about differences

7.      Unwilling to give your mate the freedom to be themselves

Repeating the same conflicts over and over:

This happens when issues are not confronted and dealt with as they come along. It is true that we can be too sensitive over issues that really don’t matter that much. When that is the case, it needs to be discussed in that light. It is very difficult for some to be objective about how they feel. Maturing as an adult is gaining the ability to look at things objectively and determine if changes need to be made. Some marry very young before there is much maturity and this can make small issues into very big problems. Others marry latter after they are set in their ways and unwilling to make any changes and this also makes for big problems.

The reason the same conflicts are repeated over and over is because care has not been taken to resolve them at the beginning. Understand that there will be differences in any marriage and allowing those differences to go without addressing and resolving them will lead to greater issues that bring harm to a marriage and sometimes destroys it.

Unwilling to quit doing those things that annoy your mate:

The best way to deal with things that annoy your mate is to quit doing them. Know your mates hot buttons and avoid pushing them. It is usually a small issue but at the same time it annoys your mate, so why do it? And age old annoyance for a lot of women is when their mate leaves their clothes lying around. This is so easy to remedy by simply cultivating the habit of hanging your clothes up or putting dirty clothes in the hamper, problem solved. Men don’t like to be reminded 26 times about something they are supposed to do; this to them is nagging. If there is something important that needs to be taken care of, take time to talk about it and decide on some sort of resolution and then move on.

Not having an agreement on how the money will be spent:

The number one problem that causes the most divorces is finances. Today both usually work and therefore have a shared interest in how the money is to be spent. Traditionally couples have used one bank account to cover all their needs and I think this can work well if the couple both are in agreement on how money should be spent and are good managers of their money. It always worked for my wife and me. However, it can work badly if one of the two is careless with spending and wants to spend a lot on themselves. If one bank account is used for all needs, then both should have a budget allotted out of their income for each one’s personal needs and should stay within that budget.

I like the one bank system, but if that just doesn’t work out, then a couple should consider having separate accounts as well as a combined account to pay the basic bills like the house rent, insurance, utilities etc.

There should be an agreement on how much goes into that account out of each salary based on how much each earns. If one earns a thousand a week then they contributes what is needed. If that is 50% it would be $500 and if the other earns $500 then it would be $250 for them and the rest could go into their private account.

When unexpected expenses come along, then each should contribute from their personal account in the same way based on percentage. If a couple is living above their means, it will make this method unworkable. In fact no method is going to work until spending is brought below the income level. Living above your means is going to bring financial problems that will bring great harm to the marriage.

I realize that the following method is not what Dave Ramsey teaches but that is alright because there is more than one way to make things work for you financially. I’m not saying that this way is the best way either; it’s just another way in case nothing else is working. If you can agree together on a single account and make it fair for both, then that is the best way. The second approach is actually only an alternative for not letting finances break up your marriage.

Not willing to make compromises:

A compromise is the willingness to meet another person half way. Stubbornness says it is either my way or none at all. I realize that there are matters where compromise is out of the question, but for the most part an agreement can be made that suits both parties.

Must always have your way:

If you are the type that must have your own way all the time, then I’m wondering why you have a spouse. If one insists on always having their way then the other has to be a slave to them. Who wants that sort of an arrangement? Both husband and wife need to be given the opportunity to express how they feel or what they think and come to a mutual agreement. Two people never see everything the same way. Actually if they did, one would not be needed.

Unwilling to talk about differences:

The best way to discuss differences is to have an agreement in advance to agree to talk about things in question and come to some sort of resolution before it becomes a dividing issue in the marriage. Failing to discuss differences can destroy your marriage. Of course it isn’t an easy matter; it may be much easier just to ignore the difference, but that doesn’t work because eventually it will have to be dealt with. Better not wait until there are so many unresolved differences that it is impossible to come to any agreement. Discuss differences as they arise.

Unwilling to give your mate the freedom to be themselves:

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.” Jim Morrison.
If you try to live your life based on someone else’s preconceived notions, your life will be a lie and you will be like an animal in a cage. If you have to be told what you like to do or who you are supposed to like, and where you are supposed to go, or where you should work, or how you are to act, then you have lost the freedom to be yourself. When you find yourself bored with all of life, that is a pretty good indication that you have lost touch with who you really are as a person…You have lost the path to being your real self.

When your life consist of being what you’re told you should be, then you have lost the potential of experiencing your own deep and powerful emotions, in the attempt to conform to someone else’s idea of what you should be.

Giving a mate the right to pursue their own interests and to develop their own skills, set their own goals is freedom every person disserves.

Conclusion:

Marriage is a great and rewarding relationship but it can also be a nightmare if not handled right. It takes two loving and caring people who are interested in each other’s needs above their own and are willing to strive to make the relationship better. When this is the case, following the advice above will be easy but where selfishness rules there will always be strife.

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Jimmie Burroughs is the author of JimmieBurroughs.com ; get more tips on personal development: www.JimmieBurroughs.com

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