Simple Techniques for Overcoming loneliness
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Written by Jimmie Burroughs – E-mail to a friend
The last song that Elvis Presley sang publicly on stage, in June of 1977 was “Are you Lonesome tonight.” Elvis was obviously nervous when he introduced his very last song, and he said this about loneliness, “I am and I was.” He was one of the most sought after persons in the world. Thousands would have given anything to spend time with him, yet he was a very lonely soul.
Forty percent of the population live alone, and that is a near all time record. However, living alone is not necessarily the cause of loneliness. Loneliness is not caused just by aloneness as proven in the case of Elvis Presley. Some very lonely people are married and have a family or are surrounded by people daily. So, what is the deal with loneliness anyway? Well, that is the purpose of this article, to find out what loneliness is; what causes it; and simple techniques for overcoming loneliness.
Everyone at times experiences loneliness. Ironically, it is more frequent around major holidays like Christmas and Valentine’s Day. The sense of loneliness is not a frequent topic of conversation; many do not understand why it happens, or how to deal with it when it does happen.
So, what is loneliness? Several words describe it: An unpleasant feeling, solitude, emptiness, and a sense of isolation, depression, and painfulness. Loneliness is a subjective feeling, actually an emotion…a drive. The technically definition of loneliness is “A psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual to isolation and motivate him/her to seek social connections.” [1] That definition is the key to understanding loneliness as well as how to cope with it, as we will see as we continue.
An old cliché says, “No man is an island.” Man was not intended to be alone; that is why God created husband and wife to go through life together. In the beginning when God created the first man, Adam, he saw it was not good for man to be alone, so he created Eve as a helpmate. It is apparent that man or woman does better by associating with others. Having someone is of great help in coping with loneliness but sometimes even more is needed. The need is to understand loneliness and take the proper steps to overcome it. Loneliness has some serious consequences if not dealt with.
Loneliness has a wide range of negative and damaging effects to both physical and mental health. Here are some of the health risks that have been related to loneliness:
- Depression and suicide
- Increased levels of stress
- Heart disease & stroke
- Antisocial
- Loss of memory and learning
- Poor decisions
- Abuse of alcohol and drugs
- Reduced brain function
- More prone to Alzheimer’s disease
Some of the obvious traits of a person dealing with loneliness are Over competitiveness, fear, anger, poor listening skills, lack of knowledge, impatience, depending too much on others, selfishness, and overwhelmed. It may also be noted that causes of loneliness vary widely. A child is affected differently than an older person. The older person may be struggling with having lost their mate and may be having trouble just getting on with their life. The child may be a victim of bullying or has trouble making friends at school.
It is interesting to note that the traits listed above, concerning a person experiencing loneliness, are also some of the same things that personal development deals with. Dealing with those things, which cause loneliness, is just one of the benefits of personal development. Personal development enables a person to deal with and adjust to all the issues of life including loneliness.
John Cacioppo, a University of Chicago psychologist and one of the top loneliness experts, says, “Loneliness is strongly connected to genetics [sometimes runs in a family]. Other contributing factors include situational variables, such as physical isolation, moving to a new location and divorce. The death of someone significant in a person’s life can also lead to feelings of loneliness. Loneliness can also be a symptom of a psychological disorder such as depression.”
It is important to note that the emotion of loneliness is a God given drive. Like other drives, it is intended to help man when used correctly. Remember the definition of loneliness given above: “A psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual to isolation and motivate him/her to seek social connections.” Notice how we can use the same definition to define other drives. For instance, the hunger drive: “A psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual to the need for nutrition and motivate him/her to seek some food.” I hope you are beginning to get the picture of how drives have an intended purpose. The means of coping with the loneliness drive is best comprehended when loneliness itself is understood.
There are many drives such as the hunger drive, the sex drive, the anger drive and the fear drive, to name a few; all of which have their own means of being fulfilled or coped with. For example, the sex drive is given for a married couple to feel and experience extreme pleasure and the closest intimacy. When the sex drive is misused, as in the case of fornication, adultery, premarital sex or extramarital sex, it can be very harmful and damaging and even life threatening. The same is true with loneliness.
It may be hard to comprehend that loneliness is intended to be something positive, but when used right it is. Loneliness is intended to warn and to motivate a person that social interaction is needed. Older cars had a red warning oil light on the dash, and when it flashed on, you knew you needed to add oil to keep from damaging the engine. It is true also when we are warned by the loneliness drive that we are low on human interaction and need to add some to avoid damaging our mind and body. A better way of stating it would be that when we are lonely, that is an indication that change is needed.
If your hunger drive begins sending you a message in the form of hunger pains, the way you cope with it is by finding some food and eating (I do not think I need to elaborate on how the hunger drive can be misused). Eating does not mean that the hunger drive is forever satisfied because in a few hours you are going to get the same message again. Loneliness works similar, although, thank goodness, not as often. When you receive a message from the loneliness drive, you cope with it by making some changes in lifestyle. Just like the hunger drive, it will not forever solve it, and later you will have to cope again. Learning ways to cope with loneliness is the secret.
Simple things for overcoming loneliness:
Join a group. Recently I begin to feel a bit of loneliness. I live alone and spend many hours working alone on my computer. I realized that I was spending far too much time by myself, not seeing enough people, talking, and socializing. I, therefore, joined a Bible study at church and began going more places where people are and making it a point to talk with them. Since I presently live by the sea, and there are usually people on the pier or the beach, it is easy to meet and talk with people. I have talked with some interesting folks lately from around the world who are here vacationing. Since I know a lot about the area, they are usually interested in talking. Regardless where you may live, there are always groups you can join or places to meet and talk with people.
Volunteer for something you believe in: My wife died about 9 years ago. It was a very difficult time for me, and I was very lonely and all alone in a big house. I had a business at the time, and I realized that what I needed was a completely new lifestyle. I went about it slowly as should be the case after losing a mate; it took almost two years to complete. By the end of those two, years, I had bought a motor home, turned my home over to my daughter and her family to live in, and joined an organization that did volunteer mission work. Within the next 3 years, I traveled in 37 states, met many new people, made many new friends and helped many people. It saved me from my loneliness and commenced an exciting new lifestyle.
Build new relationships and strengthen old ones: The support from good friends is like a medicine for loneliness. There are many places to make new friends. Church is an excellent place and online a another, but you must be careful online because you never know to what sort of person you may be talking. Stress Management Forum is a good online place to get started, where you can find others who are also dealing with similar problems, but always exercise caution on the Internet and don’t give out any personal information, especially your home address, telephone number, bank account numbers or Social Security numbers, etc.
Get yourself a pet, preferably a dog: I have both a dog and a cat. The cat is an outside pet while my dog is an inside pet. It seems as if I am being a little personal here and perhaps I am since I have had to cope with some extreme loneliness myself. Actually, my dog came in a roundabout way. My wife always wanted a Westie (West Highland Terrier). It was not until she got sick that I finally agreed. Sadly, she only lived about 10 months, and I inherited the little dog. His name is McDuff, and he has truly been a lifesaver to me in helping me to get on with my life.
They say that dogs are the only thing that loves another more than they do themselves. I do not necessarily agree, but I know it is true of McDuff. He truly loves me and always wants to be with me. He has far more than earned his keep by being a true companion.
Conclusion:
There is no 100% cure for loneliness, since it is an emotion and not a disease. For sure, it requires the appropriate action. In addition, sometimes you may just have to learn to live with a little loneliness when it seems stubborn and refuses to go away. I do, but I still go about the most important business in my life. The truth of the matter is I do not believe you ever get completely past losing someone that is such a part of your life as a loving mate. There will always remain a lonely place in your heart for them. However, that does not have to take control of your life. There are too many exciting things yet to come; there is too much to be done, and too much to be accomplished to be hindered by loneliness.
[1] Wikipedia Definition for loneliness
About the author: Jimmie Burroughs is a motivational speaker and author who has been involved in teaching Christian Personal Development for more than 30 years. There are hundreds of articles to help you on this website (Website Contents) in your personal growth.
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