Questions You Must Ask Before the Marriage Cerimony
Written by Jimmie Burroughs
Questions to ask the other person
Somewhere between the proposal and the “I do” there needs to be some crucial questions asked. Be forewarned that the following questions aren’t questions that enhance romance, but they are essential if you intend to spend the rest of your life living with a person. The time to find the answers is before you tie the knot. If you doubt that, ask any marriage counselor, or couple that has been married for a long time. Every one of these issues will impact your life; be sure you are clear on each one before you make a commitment to any person. Caution: You are not likely to learn all the answers to these questions in one sitting. In fact, many questions not listed here and some that are, are things that you should learn about a person without asking. That is why it is beneficial not to rush into marriage. You will need time to learn the person. In due time, a person will tell you in their own words and actions what kind of person they are. It is your responsibility through keen observation, discernment, and evaluation to learn and then make the appropriate choices. These are things you need to learn over time, but before you marry. In fact, the questions listed here could cause a break up before you get through all of them. If that is the case, you can be assured that you asked the right questions that avoided a divorce latter on. Also, there is a right way to ask a question and a wrong way, which we shall see as we go forward.
What are your religious beliefs? The object in asking this question is to find out if you share compatible religious beliefs. When two people hold opposite religious beliefs, it is referred to as a mixed marriage which can be problematic: For example, if one is a Christian and the other is a Muslim, or one a Catholic and the other a protestant, or one an atheist and the other a believer. If both have similar beliefs, the question then is what church will we attend? This question can be asked as stated. People aren’t offended by being asked their religious views.
How much debt liability do you have? Unlike the question above, this is considered a personal question under most circumstances, but not if it is going to affect your life. Nevertheless, there is a right way to entertain the subject. You may start by telling the other person that you feel it is appropriate to let them know your financial status before you marry. Be particularly straight forward and tell them exactly how you stand financially. If they don’t volunteer to share their financial standing also and you have to ask, it could be a red flag. When you marry, you share in the responsibility of the others debts. If you aren’t prepared to spend most of the rest of your life trying to dig out from under a pile of debt, better not marry a person in that position.
Have you ever declared bankruptcy? The answer to this question may come out during the discussion of finances above, but if not, be sure to include it in your discussion. A person who declares bankruptcy has seven years before they will be able to start to get their credit back into proper standing. Good credit is essential to a couple entering marriage. They will need to finance a home and perhaps a car. Bankruptcy happens sometimes, and it may not can be avoided, but the question is will it cause a problem in your marriage in the future?.
What is your credit standing: poor, good or excellent? This is another question that needs to be included in the discussion of finances. A credit score can tell a lot more about a person than just the condition of their credit. It can indicate how well a person manages finances, and if they are addicted to shopping. It can also define a person’s character. Although there are exceptions, a person of strong character generally has a satisfactory credit history.
How do we handle the finances? This question actually calls for several more: Who will be responsible for making sure the bills are paid on time? How are decisions made when it comes to making large purchases, like a new car, etc? How are personal needs like clothing to be budgeted? Will there be personal allowances? Will there be separate bank accounts or just one?
What size family do you want? If there are children from a previous marriage, who will be living with you, that could weigh heavily on deciding if you should plan on more children. Raising children is expensive, and college is getting more expensive each year. Planning the size of your family is urgent and something you both need to agree on in the beginning.
How were you brought up? This is a subject that needs to be handled carefully. It’s best to never criticize another person’s family, or to make negative statements concerning them. It never pays. Just listen carefully to what is told you and keenly observe when you are with the other person’s family. How a person is raised, in some cases, influences the kind of person they become. There are exceptions where a person turns out well in spite of adverse raising. Nevertheless, family philosophy should be taken into consideration when it is your future that is at stake.
Do you mind discussing problems and differences? A marriage is not in trouble because there are problems and disagreements. The best of marriages have both. The way these are managed is the pivotal issue. And the best way to manage them is through discussion and mutual agreement. This should not be a difficult matter if both parties have the other person’s best interest at heart, and they truly love them.
Questions to ask yourself
If the other person smokes, can I handle that? This, of course, is assuming that one is a non smoker. This will differ from person to person. A non smoker who has lived in the same home with other family members who smoke may not find it a significant issue. Personally, I could never live with a smoker. It is nauseating to me and a proven health hazard, to the smoker as well as to the non-smoker. Don’t deceive yourself into thinking that you can influence the other person to quit over time. It is something you will probably have to live with as long as the marriage lasts unless they decide on their own to quit smoking. That means that you, your clothes and your home will always smell like stale cigarette smoke. If all the above is no issue to you, then it may work out.
If the other person drinks, can I deal with it? Even if both parties drink, drinking can still be a problem in the marriage if one becomes an alcoholic or a heavy drinker. If one is a non-drinker, it further complicates the issue. The only time drinking isn’t an issue is when it is under control or non existent, and the latter is far better.
If they gamble, how will it affect me? Gambling is often an addiction that can ruin a marriage or a life. If the person of your interest is a known gambler, beware, you might need to have second thoughts.
Are they dependable enough for me to be secure? The answer to the question will only become obvious over time, another reason for not rushing into marriage. Time proves if they always do what they say; if they are on time every time; if they are stable, or if they have credibility.
If they are a party animal, is that what I want? If you are a party animal also and are able to tolerate almost anything, then this may not be a problem. Otherwise, it could destroy your marriage quickly. Partying and all the things associated with partying contribute to a man’s natural tendency to want to wander. A national evangelist tended to excuse a man’s unfaithfulness because of a man’s weakness for wanting to wander; nevertheless, it does not make it acceptable. Wandering destroys the essential attribute of trust, vital to any successful marriage. Once trust is gone it is rarely recovered.
How mature are they; if not mature, can I deal with their immaturity? Women are usually ahead of men in maturity. Some men seem never to reach a suitable level of maturity. It can drive a mature person crazy having always to deal with a childlike adult. If the person you are interested in shows signs of serious immaturity, think twice before hitching up with them.
Do they use profanity and if so how does it affect me? We live in a society where profanity has become commonplace. Even so, are you prepared to raise up your children to think that profanity is just a normal part of the English language? It is true that they get it from TV and movies where little children also use profanity, but are you willing to contribute in a negative regard to how they view it. I’m not talking about an occasional four letter word. I’m talking about unchecked vulgar and profane speaking. Recently an attractive college girl tweeted a negative statement about her fraternity. It was picked up on the Internet and drew a lot of scorn. The statement was so laced with profanity, particularly the “F” word that it hardly made sense. To me it made her look like an idiot with about as much class an a hog in a wallow.
Are they addicted to sports (Men in particular) and if so, can I handle them being glued to the TV all weekend? If you are comfortable spending your weekend alone or out with your friends, then it may work OK, but if you want some quality time alone with your other at the end of a work week, it can be extremely disappointing week after week. The only exception might be if both are equally interested in sports, which is rare indeed.
Conclusion
I hope I’ve given you at least some key considerations. I realize that there are many more questions that can be asked, but this is a start, and now you can add to this list some of your own personal concerns. However, let me caution you not to fall into the trap of thinking that you will be able to change the person once you are married. It just doesn’t happen. The only way anyone ever changes is when they personally want to and are motivated and disciplined enough to make the changes. I’m not insinuating that a person should be perfect because none of us are. Nevertheless, there must be some compatibility if the marriage is to work.
About the author: Jimmie Burroughs is a author, motivational speaker, and child of God who has been involved in teaching Christian Personal Development for more than 30 years. There are hundreds of articles to help you on this website (Website Contents ) in your person growth. If I can help you personally, please send your concerns via: Contact me.
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