#1 Principal for Building a Successful Marriage
Written by Jimmie Burroughs
“Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain.”
“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” – Dale Carnegie
Years ago, I read Dale Carnegie’s Classic, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain” is the first principle Mr. Carnegie used in his book and the only negative one beginning with don’t. He went on to mention 30 other qualities for winning friends and influencing people, which all are positive: be a good listener; show appreciation; make the other person feel important; try to see things from the other person’s point of view, etc. Why do you suppose he used the only negative principle as the very first principle? Think about it; would the other 30 been possible without first restraining from criticizing, condemning and complaining. I think not.
I have often quoted those five words “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain” in talks I’ve given. Sometimes people have questioned if those things are actually possible. I believe they are very possible if your objective is to build a successful marriage. Therefore, I believe “Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain is the “#1 Principle in building a successful marriage.” It is amazing that all three of these are broken constantly every day by married couples you know or perhaps by yourself in your own marriage.
The purpose of this article is building successful marriages, which can be highly affected by criticism. I want to try and help you save your marriage or grow a stronger one. I believe I have at least some expertise in this area since I was married to the same woman for 44 years until her death in 2005, and my second marriage in going on its fourth year. I’ve learned a lot in those nearly 48 years of marriage and some from mistakes that should have been avoided.
The two therapists whose research on the effects of criticism in marital relationships are Drs. John and Julie Gottman. The two are best known for their “love lab.” Over the course of two decades, hundreds of couples were interviewed and observed. An astonishing result of their research was, the Gottman’s were able to predict with 90 percent accuracy in less than five minutes if a couple were going to divorce or stay together.
To describe the four communication styles, they used a metaphor “The Four Horsemen” named after the four horsemen of the Apocalypse in the book of Revelation, which predicts the end of the world. In their application, these four communication styles predict the end of a marriage:
- Criticism
- Contempt
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
It is interesting to note that the Gottman’s used the word criticize as their first negative communication style. As we noted before, this also is the first principle that Carnegie uses, only he amplifies it by adding the synonym condemn and the term complain, which relates to criticism.
Apparently, the Gottman’s, during counselling sessions, picked out those 4 principles to determine the future success of a marriage. What is so amazing, when couples were interviewed, these principles became evident in a failing marriage in just 5 minutes. It is interesting to note that couples who agreed to counseling were apparently blind to what was causing their marital problems, which to the Gottman’s were so evident.
The four communication styles are so simple to understand that no long exhortation is needed, but as a refresher, let’s consider a short definition of each:
- Criticism: “the act of expressing disapproval and of noting the problems or faults of a person or thing: the act of criticizing someone or something.”
- Contempt: “the act of despising or holding disdain for person or thing, which shows the lack of respect or reverence for someone or something.”
- Defensiveness: “a coping strategy where another person is attacked in order to shift focus away from one’s own faults and insecurities.”
- Stonewalling: “a discussion or argument where the listener withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the speaker because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded. Metaphorically speaking, they build a wall between them and their partner.”
It starts with criticism and then moves forward to include the following three mentioned above: contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. It is easy not to realize how critical you are and even not know that you are critical at all. It may be necessary to consciously make an effort to notice each time you are critical. A critical attitude is a very serious thing; it can ruin an otherwise promising marriage, damage your life and life goals.
A good way to change a negative attitude is to move to a more positive one, focusing on what your spouse is doing that is working well in your marriage. Complement your spouse on what you love about them and on those things they do well. This strengthens the other person’s resolve to do those things. It is necessary sometimes to use constructive criticism in order to bring about needed changes in behavior and the way of doing things. Never demand another person to make changes. It always should be brought up as a suggestion in a time of discussion. No one can change another person. The only person that can make changes is the person themselves. Remember, criticism starts with, “you always do this or that,” which is focused on the person. By focusing on the behavior instead, concerning the changes you want is, an attempt to resolve issues and is more likely to get a positive response for your spouse.
Of course, we generally believe that marriage starts out with love that is supposed to hold the marriage together. However, marriage actually starts mostly with infatuation, and you can’t build on infatuation; it gradually fades away. You can build your marriage on human love, a term that come from the Greek word Philia, which means a horizonal love between humans, but there is a far better way than that; you can build your love on a supernatural love, that is “agape” the Greek term for love, which means a vertical love, which only comes from God to humans. Not everyone has this kind of love; it only comes from God when He comes into a person’s life. If you are ready to discover that kind of love, I would like to show you how by establishing a relationship with God. CLICK HERE.
In conclusion, in order to build and maintain a stronger marriage, long term, it is better to avoid or stay away from criticism, complaining and condemning altogether, except for occasional constructive criticism. I suggest having a “state of the union” discussion once a year to admit failures and plan ways to strengthen your union.
“Be
careful of the words you speak,
Keep them soft and sweet,
Because you’ll never know from day to day,
Which ones you’ll have to eat.” – unknown