12 Steps for a Lasting Honeymoon
Introduction
This article, and all articles on this website, are based on the things I believe to be accurate and true, or the things that I have experienced personally—this article describes my marriage to Margaret, my second marriage after my first wife died in 2005. Margaret and I have strived to keep our marriage at the same level as it began nearly five years ago, and I contribute that achievement to our mutual relationship with God. The 12 steps below are only an outworking of that relationship.
The honeymoon period of marriage is often considered the best part of a marital relationship, which on average only lasts from six months to a year. It is a time of excitement and extreme happiness when couples experience having a companion that gives them great joy.
Many don’t realize marriage begins with infatuation, which cannot be something that grows; it only tends to shrink over time. On the other hand, true love can grow over time, which sometimes may be missing at first because it is confused with infatuation. Even if marriage begins with infatuation, that does not mean that true love can’t take its place as time goes by. The absence of love, not the loss of love, is what causes couples to feel bored after a while. As infatuation subsides, the couple begins to grow apart and doubt their feelings for one another.
It is unnecessary to accept the traditional idea that the honeymoon period of the marriage has to end in a set period, nor if it does, it does not mean that love has ended. If a couple desires, they can keep the excitement of the honeymoon going by planning for things that are fun for both, things that bring new excitement into their life.
There is a necessary ingredient if the honeymoon is to last indefinitely, and that is your determination to see that it does. You must first have a will to make your marriage work at its maximum, which takes some effort. So, here is a list of twelve things to help you get started:
1. The first and most obvious is to spend quality time together.
Have a regular date night where you plan something that both enjoy. It does not have to be going out; it can be just an evening of watching a movie on TV that concludes with a night of love. It could be an evening of conversation that does not include work or world news events, or it could be playing a game that you both enjoy. The point is to leave the daily stress out of this evening and talk about things that interest you both. Spend time thinking about something you want to talk about; be sure it does not contain any problems, only light-hearted things. There should be another time to schedule a discussion of issues.
2. Find out what each other’s love language is.
Gary Chapman wrote an excellent book entitled “The 5 Love Languages.” Here are those 5 languages: [1]
- Words Of Affirmation
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Acts Of Service
- Physical Touch
Knowing your mate’s love language makes sure you are giving them the affection they need in that specific area; this assures that the relationship will be fulfilling and lasting. It is also a way of making them feel appreciated. While we may enjoy each of the languages, there is one specific one that each person particularly needs.
3. The third thing is a follow-up of the first one, which is effective communication.
Communication is the ability to express yourself clearly without
being offensive; this means being able to talk about problems without becoming emotional. Each person has a right to say how they feel and should be able to do so without being intimidated or criticized. It is necessary to express your feelings before any problem can be solved. An excellent way to start is by saying, “I could be wrong.” Avoid blaming your mate by saying, “you always do this or that what every it may be.” If that is the way you begin, your mate will likely become defensive, and nothing is gained. State your feelings in a kind and gentle way.
4. Strive to keep your conversations positive.
Negativity, in general, is a way of life for many. We meet negative people everywhere, in government, at work, at home, and in the church. Your marriage does not have to be that way, and if it is, don’t look for your relationship to grow. We live in a complex, trouble-filled world; we need positive affirmations and positive words from those we love to help us to get through the troublesome times we face in life. A relationship filled with stress is hard to maintain, whereas a relationship filled with hugs and kisses and kind, encouraging words brings a measure of contentment and happiness in an otherwise angry and hateful world.
5. Let your mate know that they can always rely on your support.
To have someone you can always depend on to support you is one of the greatest blessings in life. No one is an island; we need the support of other human beings, especially the one to which we have committed our lives. Be there for the one you love and listen to them and comfort and assure them when they need it. Knowing there is always someone on our side who is willing to help unselfishly in every situation is a great healing force to one’s well-being.
6. Don’t let your marriage grow stale; continue to discover new experiences.
There are so many wonderful things to experience in this great land of the free, even within driving distance of your home or just a day trip. These are new things that you have never experienced before that can be an escape from the daily routine and add excitement to your life and marriage. You don’t have to be able to afford world travel. I have visited 49 of the 50 states and am far from seeing a fraction of what is there. You don’t have to settle for boredom; there is too much to enjoy if you are willing to step out of your comfort zone and accept the challenge that change can bring into your life and marriage.
7. Each person should have the right to pursue their dreams and have the support of their mate.
It is easy to settle into selfishness and think only of your comfort and needs without considering what brings joy to your mate. When each partner in a marriage is centered on giving rather than receiving, it brings a delight to the marriage beyond description. You can be a great help to your mate in bringing their dreams to fruition, or you can be a detriment. You can help your mate to become their best, or you can hold them back. If you want to keep the spark alive in your marriage, you must be willing to give to your marriage without expecting anything in return.
8. Each person needs some time alone.
Spending time alone is healthy for a relationship. It gives the feeling of independence and the opportunity to do some things you want to do. It gives you the freedom to be yourself while still committing to each other. It improves the quality of the time when you are together and promotes a stronger appreciation for it.
9. Find ways to show appreciation for one another.
Appreciation is expressed with gratitude, which is, in general, a rare quality. Marriage should be a relationship that has made life a better experience and brought a quality of love into one’s life that was not there before. When someone does something good to you, it is an opportunity that must not be missed to say, “thank you so much;” “I appreciate you.” Never hold back a genuine compliment, and never fail to tell your mate, “I love you.” Gratitude, appreciation, and an expression of love take so little effort yet bring such joy to another.
10. Be understanding.
Sometimes when you argue with someone, you immediately rush into an emotional reaction and fail to hear or understand what the other person is trying to say. You assume that you already know their motive when you do not. Arguments are not necessarily bad when you take the time to listen and understand what the other person’s opinions are. Do you take the time to hear what the other person is saying and why they are saying it; instead, are you too busy deciding how to react before you know if a reaction is necessary or where the response is directed?
Misunderstanding can lead to a heated argument that can result in uttering words that you may wish later you could take back. However, words once they are spoken and have done the hurt and damage can never be taken back, nor can the damage be reversed and the pain removed; they can only be forgiven. Perhaps in time, the damage and hurt will reside, and on the other hand, maybe it never will. Be most cautious in the words you use especially when you are angry; they are very powerful and have long lasting consequences.
11. Always show respect for your mate.
What does it mean to have respect for your wife or husband? It is an attitude of accepting them for who they are. None of us are the same; we are all created differently, and showing respect for those differences is an ingredient to a better, more enjoyable relationship, one without conflict. Respect is avoiding judging your mate for their individual opinions and choices.
12. Always be polite to your mate.
The word polite is an adjective meaning to show respect and consideration toward others. I am sorry to say that we live in a day and time when politeness is becoming less common, and I have noticed this, especially among children toward their parents. I wonder if they have ever heard that the Bible commands children to honor their parents that they may live long.
Another thing I have noticed is that married couples are sometimes impolite to each other even in public. It isn’t very comfortable for others close by when a couple openly argues and criticizes each other.
In a marriage, being accused and yelled at is rude, showing little value for the other person. Should we not value the person we have vowed to love until death do us part? It will make you feel good to make your mate feel good, and it takes so little effort?
Conclusion
In 1981, Ted Huston, Ph.D., a professor of human ecology and psychology at the University of Texas, Austin, gave the results of a long-term study showing how long couples stayed together on average after two years of marriage. The investigation began from the wedding day up through thirteen years of marriage. Each category of the study showed a distinctive pattern:
- The couples with lasting, happy marriages were in love from the beginning.
- They tended to be more decisive.
- They expressed more positive feelings and less negativity towards each other.
- They viewed their mate positively, and these feelings remained stable over the years.
Those couples that divorced along the way were affectionate as newlyweds, but as time passed, they became less loving, less optimistic, and more critical of their mates. [2]
Footnotes
[2] https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/how-to-have-a-happy-marriage/