12 Steps to Win Friends and Influence People

Knowing how to make the right choice of words when communicating with others determines how well you make friends and influence others. Below are twelve positive ways to communicate to influence others’ opinions of you and win them over as friends.

Dale Carnegie, in 1936, published his influential book, “How to win friends and influence people.” I read that book years ago and highly recommend it to anyone interested in developing good human relations, whether in business or otherwise. This article was influenced by what I learned from that book.

1. greet people in a casual, friendly way.

Saying hello, how are you today with a smile can make all the difference in the world. I have lived in several areas across the United States. Some areas are known for their unfriendliness, while others are the opposite, showing friendliness and kindness. I tell you, it makes such a difference living in an area known for its friendliness. “Friends are those rare people who ask how we are, and then wait to hear the answer.” – Ed Cunningham.

Leo Buscaglia said, “Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”  

If you are interested in making friends and influencing people, you must express friendliness in all forms of your communication, whether face to face, emails, letters, or phone calls.

• Give others an equal opportunity to talk, then pay attention, and hear what they say.

Jim Rohn said, “One of the greatest gifts you can give to anyone is the gift of your attention.” It is one thing to listen and another thing to hear. Hearing is complete when it understands what others say. If you are interested in helping others, sometimes all it requires is listening and hearing what they have to say. We probably have acquaintances or are around those who want to do all the talking. How boring is that? It makes you rather not be around them. You will probably avoid them when possible. It gives you the feeling that they don’t care what you think and are only interested in themselves, which is probably true most of the time. You may ask yourself. “Am I that way,” or you may wonder how anyone would want to be that way. All that is necessary to avoid it is to cultivate listening to what others have to say instead of trying to do all the talking. It is really simple as that. 

“Being listened to feels so much like being loved that people can scarcely tell the difference.” ― David Taylor-Klaus

• Being present in the present

To be only “partially present” is to miss the precious gifts of experiencing each moment of life as if it were the only one. “Once every glorious moment of our lives is gone, it’s gone forever. We can’t hit the ‘undo’ or ‘back’ button and try to relive them again. We may get to re-experience ‘the recorded moment’ on social media, but that version will never hold the same beauty, truth and gifts—God, spirit—as the actual one—the ecstatic, blissful moment that just passed us by.” ― Valerie Rickel

Have you ever talked to someone who didn’t seem to be present or listening to you? They may be looking around the room, seeing who else they had rather be talking to than you, or they may be so engulfed in what they will say next while ignoring what you are saying. So, what does it take to be fully present? You have to put some effort into the conversation by using body language occasionally nodding, making eye contact while speaking, and letting them know that you are paying attention. Making them feel what they are saying is very important.

“The opposite of the past is the present. Anyone can live in a past that is gone or a future that does not exist. The opposite of either position is the present,” ― Jeanette Winterson.

• Invite the other person to express their views

“To a man with only a hammer, a screw is a defective nail.” ― Orson Scott Card. Is it necessary to hear other people’s points of view? Sometimes hearing another person’s opinion clarifies our thought and gives a fresh perspective enabling us to see the flaws in our thinking, which empowers us to be a better person.

To show a positive interest in what others say, we need to respond with something like this: “That is very interesting; I had not thought of it. Can you explain it more?” We win the favor of others and befriend them by carefully listening to what they say and responding positively. Caution, be genuine in your response, or you will come across as a fake.

• Show gratitude and give compliments when appropriate. 

“Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart. Be grateful for what you already have while you pursue your goals. If you aren’t grateful for what you already have, what makes you think you would be happy with more.” – Roy T. Bennett. People like those who show them gratitude even if they themselves don’t. It feels good to anyone to be complimented for something well done, and it rates with being given monetary rewards. People are innately endowed with an appreciation for pleasant sensations and are drawn to those who make them feel good, and are repelled from those who make them feel bad. Examine yourself and determine which of the two kinds of person you are.

“It’s a funny thing about life; once you begin to take note of the things you are grateful for, you begin to lose sight of the things you lack,” ― Germany Kent.

• let people know when they’ve helped you in any way.

It is gratifying to know that what you said or done has been a help to someone else. Just minor suggestions like where they can save money on a specific item or a great place to go on vacation can be of a great help to someone.

 When someone helps us in any way, small or large, we should express our appreciation for their help by just saying, “I appreciate it very much.” People love to hear that they have helped and will be endeared to you when you let them know.

• Show others that you care about what they think even if you disagree.

People develop a favorable opinion of you when you let them know you care about them and their right to their views. That does not mean we have to agree with them; it means that we are not rude to them or try to put them down. Even if their opinion is wrong, you will not be able to force them otherwise with an overbearing attitude. We also have the right to state our opinion, but it must be in the right way to be effective. Another person may change their opinion if they see the facts that they may not have considered before.

• Don’t ignore others and leave them out of the conversation. Invite them to express their views. 

There are the big aggressive talkers in most meetings who will hog the discussion and those who are intimidated by them. The quiet ones may have the best ideas but are likely to hold back unless invited to share what they think. I don’t mean asking them by name, which might make them uncomfortable. You might say some of you have not shared your views; we are listening if you want to now.

• Don’t condemn, complain, or criticize others.

Don’t condemn, complain, or criticize others was one of the primary things I learned from Dale Carnegie’s book on “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” It is for sure adults don’t like being treated like children, and that is how the three items mentioned above come across. A good guideline is what Benjamin Franklin once said, “Speak ill of no man.” There will be times when we disagree with others; however, there is a right and a wrong approach when we do. Criticizing them will only cause them to become defensive and solve nothing. Another thing is there is no winning an argument even if your points prove your opponent wrong. So, we might as well discard that approach. 

It is always best to leave our emotions out of a discussion and approach a disagreement practically by asking the other person to explain their reasons for believing the way they do, and then ask them if it is okay to share your views. Start by admitting that you could be wrong. This approach will cause the other person to at least consider what you have to say and be more likely to agree with you, especially if they think they have decided on their own. However, if they are still not convinced, you might as well change the subject. Don’t ever tell someone they are wrong, and be quick to admit when you realize that you are.

1. In a general conversation, talk in the other person’s interest.

Carnegie mentioned, in his book, a technique Teddy Roosevelt used when meeting someone new. He would learn whatever he could about their interest were in advance, so he would be prepared to talk in their interest. People, in general, are inherently interested in themselves and are prone to talk about themselves and their interests. So, when you guide your conversation to an area of their interest, they will be excited to talk about it. Well, you may say, when do I get to talk about my interest? You may not, but you will have won a new friend. Building relationships is more important than what you may want to say about yourself.

1. Be a down-to-earth person.

The first thing in learning to be a down-to-earth person is learning to live a simple lifestyle; this means focusing on those things which are essential and things that you need to make your life comfortable rather than a lot of things that tie up your time in maintaining them. My wife and I decided we did not need a home as large as we had for just two people, which took a lot of time to keep clean and maintained. So, we went through things and sold or donated the things that were not used or needed. Then we downsized to a home in an association that maintained the lawn and shrubbery. That gave us more time to do the things we enjoyed. 

Decide the reason for being down to earth person. Isn’t it to make others feel comfortable around you and be your friend? Certain people are considered down to earth because they are humble, practical, and avoid being presumptuous. I realize that these things don’t come naturally for most, and they need to be cultivated by forming new habits.

Being down to earth is not easy, and there is no simple way of becoming that way. It requires a change in lifestyle, demeanor, and developing new habits. Dr. Adrien Rogers was my former pastor and mentor. The person he was helped me to desire to be like him. When I first met him in his study in Memphis, Tennessee, he treated me as an equal. However, he was a famous person with a vast television ministry and served as the President of the Southern Baptist Convention. I felt he was far above me in many ways, but he never in any way showed that attitude; he was very humble and kind.

If you want to change into a better person, do not dwell on your self-worth. Don’t let material things or status identify who you are. Remind yourself that other people are just as important as you are in God’s sight. Even though some may not be on the same educational, financial, or social level as you, they are worthy human beings who share some of the exact same needs and perspectives; their needs are just as important as your own. Learn to accept people for who they are, recognizing they are God’s creation just like you.

1. Finally, one of the most important things you can do if you want to win friends and influence people is as simple as remembering their name. 

Here is another thing I learned from Carnegie’s book: “The sweetest sound in the world to another person is their name.” A person’s name is critically important to them. However, learning and remembering a name takes effort:

• You have to fight the tendency to pay no attention when you hear a name because of the stress of meeting a new person.
• If you are not sure you heard the name clearly, don’t hesitate to ask for them to repeat it; they won’t mind.
• Repeat the name several times in your mind and begin to use it in your conversation; again, they won’t mind hearing their name, but be sure not to overdo it.
• Write their name down when you have the opportunity for future reference.
• Associate names with something you are familiar with that reminds you of them, but be sure not to call them by the association when you meet them again.

When you follow these guidelines, you will discover that you can remember names. The association has been a great help to me. For example, I met a man over 40 years ago that I haven’t seen in about that same amount of time, but I still remember his name. He was an Olympic runner. He lived at the end of a long lane near the Mississippi River, which he used as his practice running track. His name was Earnest Willis. My association of his name was in the form of a sentence: Lane runs in earnest up and down the lane that leads to his house.

See what a difference it makes when you meet a new person and remember their name and call them by it when you meet again. Don’t expect them to remember yours because most will not. If you follow the above suggestions, you will make new friends in no time and influence people.