Criticism Is Toxic to Your Relationships
“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” Dale Carnegie – (How to win friends and influence people)
There are two types of criticism. The first type is destructive criticism, and the second type is constructive criticism. Learning how to deal with both types of criticism in a positive way is a very important life skill and a crucial part of personal development.
It is important to learn to discern between constructive criticism and destructive criticism. This is usually an easy matter, by reading the person’s demeaner and the manner in which the criticism or comments or spoken. Even though both forms of criticism can be beneficial, destructive criticism is the hardest to deal with, especially when a person is obviously, and deliberately being malicious and hurtful. It is easy to let this type of criticism get to us, but what we need to avoid at all costs is anger and/or aggression.
This is particularly true in the marriage relationship. John Gottman, relationship researcher, said that criticism is one of the top predictors of divorce, and it is also damaging to all other relationships. In a matter of time, criticism, and judgmental comments can deeply hurt those closest to you. Sometimes complains are in order, but it is the constant criticism of others, especially expressed as a character flaw, that slowly destroys relationships. Constructive criticism can be helpful, but care must be taken to make sure your criticism is just that and not clothed in that frame to cover up a real reason that is not in the other person’s interest.
How you communicate any grievances to anyone is what matters. Be careful the words you use and the attitude in which you give it. Here is an example for using the wrong words to express a grievance: “You always throw your dirty socks on the floor; you are such a terrible slob! Instead, say it this way: “Sweetie, I’m overwhelmed by trying to keep our home neat. Would you mind helping by putting your dirty clothes in the clothes hamper. I would appreciate it so much.” That is given in the form of a complaint and a request.
There is a difference in a complaint and criticism. Criticism is usually prefixed by “You always” or “You never.” Also, criticism is often directed toward one’s character. On the other hand, a complaint Is directed toward one’s behavior. No one should be constantly inflicted with another’s bad behavior and are certainly not expected to say nothing. What we say and how we say it is what is important. It is easier to just criticize a person rather than being strait forward and revealing your true needs.
There are certain things we need from others. We need them to do their part in the relationship; we need the respect that we deserve and to be treated fairly. When those things are missing in the relationship, we need to let it be known in a kind and friendly way and not in the attitude of blame. Criticism tends to place the blame on others rather than admitting personal shortcomings. It is shield of sorts to protect ego instead of just saying outright: “My needs or not being met; could you please help me.”
We all have needs from time to time and have legitimate complaints that need to be aired. What we need to learn is how to make them known in a productive way rather than a destructive way. If you are really concerned about doing the right thing in your relationship, be conscious of the words you are using. Are your words destructive? Are they attacking another person’s character? If you are using absolutes or harsh words, it is criticism directed at one’s character. Never use profanity or demeaning labels unless you want your message to be wasted and pointless. It will be hurtful to the other person but also ignored by them.
One pointless error we often make is the failure to examine our own ways objectively, which indeed can be having a deleterious effect on our relationships. Relationships are the most important things in life. Is damaging your relationships really what you want? No one in their right mind would want to damage them. Then why do we? It is because we let the stress and frustrations in our own life be revealed by attacks on others. It can become a habit that is hard to break but must be broken less we wind up with no relationships at all.
A good start in breaking the habit of letting criticism rear its ugly head, fueled by your stress and frustration, is to put self aside and consider the other person for a change. Realize that your criticism is slowly dissolving the bond you have with someone and perhaps destroying their self-esteem. That is not really in your best interest is it?
Determine in advance what is in not only your best interest but what is in the other person’s best interest. In a marital relationship, are you forgetting the vows you made to love and protect? Is your criticism ignoring your partners needs and solely and selfishly demanding your own desires and wants? How do you suppose your partner feels that someone who promised to love them is now attacking them and bemeaning their character? It is possible that some might even believe the bad things you are saying about them are true and that they are a worthless person. One thing is for certain, it erodes their trust in you and destroys intimacy.
Tony Robins rightly said, “We enter into marriage to give, not to get.” That is true in any relationship. However, that is not commonly the case with many today, and that is why the divorce rate and broken relationships have soared in recent years. Although giving in a relationship is positive, it does not mean we will not receive criticism.
No one escapes criticism; at some point in life we must deal with it and most of the time it can be difficult, depending on how you respond to it. Criticism can be of great help to you, to help you see a need for improvement that you might not have been aware of. In a negative sense, it can lower your self-esteem, cause anger, hard feelings, aggression or stress you out if you don’t deal with it in a positive way.
To deal with criticism in a positive way, requires that you have a high self-esteem to begin with and some developed skills in human relations. A person without these skills will commonly respond in a negative, defensive way, which can be harmful to you and the person who is criticizing. You can maintain the relationship and personally benefit from criticism if you know how to respond. The bonus is, each time you benefit from criticism, you become a stronger person.
The purpose for constructive criticism is to help others become a stronger, more proficient person. It is constructive feedback designed to point out mistakes and areas needing improvement rather than putting someone down. It should also include the means by which improvement can be made, or how mistakes can be corrected. We all make mistakes. According to the Bible, “A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful,” Proverbs 28:13.
Another very important thing in learning to deal with criticism is understanding that certain people are critical by nature and are sometimes unable to see the harm their criticism does. When dealing with this type person, it is best to overlook their immaturity and ignore their criticism. They are the ones who need improvement, not you! The best action is no action on your part. Any negative response from you can create unwanted bad feelings and reflect poorly on you. When criticized, the best thing to do is try to remain calm and treat the one criticizing with respect and kindness. Anything other could escalate the issue and possibly lead to an argument that is unnecessary.
The point is to be the stronger person, who does not need to defend themselves. You don’t have to have a course in anger management to do this. Determine your actions in advance and then stick by them. If you don’t think you can deal with the criticism, you can always just walk away.
Finally, remember that there is usually some truth in any criticism even if it is given out of spite and bitterness, so be willing to step back and objectively evaluate it and then either ignore it or use it for improvement. If improving relationships is important to you, be willing to admit your mistakes and learn how to deal with criticism in a positive way. It can greatly improve your interpersonal relationships with others. And by the way, it will make you feel better about yourself.
Written by Jimmie Burroughs