10 Guidelines for Choosing Your Mate
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Written by Jimmie Burroughs 
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Today the divorce rate stands around 50%. This means that a lot of people are choosing their mate badly. Actually the divorce rate doesn’t give the full picture. Of 10 marriages only 5 stay married, 2 stay married because of finances or the children, that leaves only 3 out of 10 who are in some way compatible. It is believed that only 1 or 2 out of 10 marriages are actually a happy marriage. It is true that you will never find the perfect match but the closer you come to it, the better. Consider the following suggestions when you choose your mate:
- Base you choice on character, not looks and chemistry
- Chose someone who doesn’t need to change to suit your needs
- Pick someone who shares your same goals and has similar priorities
- Take time to get to know someone before you make a decision
- Consider the spiritual connection
- Pick someone who understands your needs
- Be completely honest and discern if the other person is being honest
- Don’t expect another person to make you happy
- Never choose someone on a rebound
- Choose a person with whom you feel good being with
Choose character:
Bad character equals a bad marriage. Some of the best looking people have no character. Ask yourself, does the person share some of the same values I hold? If not, be careful because they are going to do things that will not meet your approval. Some of the important character traits to look for are:
- Honesty
- Kindness
- Courtesy
- Gentleness
- Loving
- Patience
A young man was confused because his father taught him to be honest but when someone called the father on the phone that he didn’t want to speak to, he would tell his son to tell them he wasn’t at home. That may seem to be a small thing but it is a character flaw and also a good indication that if a person is dishonest in such a trivial matter they will be much more if it is significant. It is the little things that are clearly noticeable that determine a person’s character.
It isn’t hard to observe if a person yields to the character traits listed above. They will come out in dozens of ways and if you are a keen observer, you will soon know another’s character without a great deal of delay.
You never are required to betray your character on sexual matters. it isn’t necessary to have a sexual trial run before you are married to see if you are sexually compatible. Divorces are never based on intimacy issues. The #1 cause of divorce is financial issues.
Be warned: You are not likely to change another person:
People do change, but it is of their own volition and not because someone else wants them to. Actually as a rule a person does change after they marry, but it is usually for the worst as their true self comes out? Ask yourself the question: Can I live with this person just as they are? If the answer is no, then don’t marry them.
Discuss your goals and priorities:
Tim Teabow made the statement that he didn’t share the opinion that some have that football is the most important thing in the world. If you marry someone who thinks that it is, be sure he is not going to change and suddenly decide that you are. He is going to be busy watching the game and you can do whatever. Also this attitude can extend to any number of other things such as work, fishing, going out with the guys, work etc. If he is only interested in himself, it will become obvious.
Discuss your goals and priorities and observe his or her reaction and level of interest. If your goals and priorities don’t match, better not go any further. Another good rule of thumb is never date anyone who you would not consider to be a future spouse.
Take time to know someone:
It takes time to get to know a person; you need to keenly observe their actions in many setting to determine what kind of person they are. Don’t make excuses for their poor behavior and try to justify it. Instead discern what they are made of. You won’t know everything about them but you will know enough to know if you can live with the way they are. Notice how they treat those that they don’t have to be nice to; their hygiene; their habits. If they smoke and you don’t, don’t walk away, run away. Notice everything about them.
Spiritual connection:
Do they share your spiritual beliefs? What do they believe about God? If you are a believer and they aren’t, that is a mixed marriage that will bring problems later on. I’m a single believer and I wouldn’t consider dating an unbeliever…not because I’m better…but because there is no compatibility. Our beliefs are too far apart. Mixed marriage invites some very difficult problems to deal with.
Choose someone who will meet your needs:
This is especially true if you are a woman. Men are notorious for not understanding a woman’s needs. Men and women differ greatly as far as needs. The Bible is very clear about a man’s responsibility to meet his wife’s needs: “Husbands love your wives even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it.” The greater responsibility is the husband’s and if he fails in the area of letting his wife know with no uncertainty that she is the most important thing in his life, other than God of course, then he is not meeting her needs fully. She needs to know that she is loved.
Someone said that a dog is the only thing who loves another more than himself. Well, husbands should love their wives just that much also. According to the Bible it should be enough to die for them.
Be completely honest:
Once trust is broken in any relationship it is almost impossible to restore. Once a husband, wife, friend, or a potential mate has broken trust, the relationship is not likely ever to be the same again. If you don’t trust someone before you marry them, don’t think you will be able to after you are married. I’ve know people who have lived with their spouse for years never trusting them because they were once unfaithful.
Another is not responsible for your happiness:
Don’t expect someone else to make you happy. If you are unhappy before you marry, you’re likely to be unhappy when you’re married. No one is responsible to make another happy. That is each person’s sole, personal responsibility. We should want to make the other person’s life better if possible but we are not responsible for their happiness.
Never rebound:
If you are fresh out of a relationship, give time to resolve your feelings before getting involved in another relationship. You will have plenty of baggage that needs to be discarded and to carry it into another relationship will only cloud the issue.
Choose a person that you are comfortable with:
You should never have to fear expressing yourself because of it upsetting the other person. If there is fear in a relationship, that is going to bring you a lot of discomfort. I don’t mean to say that you should intentionally push the other person’s hot buttons, but then actually if someone is so sensitive as to have hot buttons to start with, perhaps that is a consideration also. A person should have the right of expression as long as it is not cruel and intended to hurt another person. If you don’t feel at ease and really enjoy being with a person, better back off; it is not likely to improve but likely to worsen.
Conclusion:
Nothing gives you a 100% guarantee that the choice you make for your mate is going to work out, but these 10 things certainly will help. There is always that element of risk when you enter marriage but the objective is to be smart and don’t let your emotions do the thinking for you. Use your best intuition. If you have questions about the relationship, don’t be afraid to ask and clear them up before you marry. It will be much easier then than after you’re married.
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Jimmie Burroughs is the author of JimmieBurroughs.com ; get more tips on personal development: www.JimmieBurroughs.com
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